There was a time in my life when i thought I was smart. I felt smart ad I felt like I could make a difference in this world. I lost all of my wits about me when It cam to me finding love. I always hear that you should let love find you....I guess I was being impatient. I wanted it the and now. I thought I did all the work that needed to be done on myself before I put myself out there but i guess i was wrong because my new relationship is still fucked up....he never seems happy and I know that i was never really fully happy. I was waiting for him to be what he said he was. I don't think he is honest with himself...I know I was honest with myself but i chose to ignore it and wound up pregnant by a man who I think doesn't want me. I feel like i gotta get out but at the same time i don't want this to fail if i'm wrong about what he thinks and feels. he;s so quite and doesn't share his feelings. i can cry and he wont bat an eye. If i want to talk he has nothing to say. if he is talking, hes telling me that i complain to much and he doesn't know if hes happy or not... that should answer my question right?? now that I'm pregnant, i don't want to  be a single mom or find a dad for my baby  or ...anything. I know that I would be a great mom but i don't want to have to do it on my own . I want my husbands support emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually...This is so my fault. we don;t match on any of these fronts. Emotionally he is unavailable, mentally- he doesn't even talk to me. I try to talk a little deep and he goes quiet Physically he is sexy to me. I love his body but when it comes to sex, its just sex. He has never made love to me. one time I told him what i needed and he gave it to me. it was good but it all came from his mind and not his heart. I felt the methodical-ness of it. spiritually, hes dead. knows what is expected of him and does the exact opposite....I know we don;t belong together anymore but for some reason i still sit here as i write wondering if he will show up and be slightly romantic or at least a little sensitive to my needs. hold me at least. I sometimes sit here and think of my ex...yup the same one from before and compare them. He at least knew what my heart and mind wanted. He learned my body and gave it what it needed even though he wasn't physically my type. he wasn't spiritually dead but we still weren't on the same wave length. I sometimes feel like i downgraded just to keep up with the world. i always felt like a late bloomer and i was always sick of being last for everything i thought to be important...I cant help but think that if i leave him my family and students would think of me as a failure bc i had a child out of wedlock and still ended up single and alone and worst yet broke bc of him. he always says that he will fix my finances and take care of me but i don't really believe him. he was broke when i met him and hes still broke. he has no real attainable goals,,well not really he has goals that are attainable hes just so fucking lazy that it will take him forever....i've been thinking of going back to get some reiki done. i need to heal and fix my life. I don't know whats gonna happen but i don;t want my son coming into this world with me being so poisonous. I thought about having an abortion then i felt him move..i cant do it....i want someone who will elevate with me not someone i need to bring to my level then see if we can grow some more..i just so tired. I want to leave it up to God. see if my man will talk to me and tell me he wants me or not or just sit in silence for weeks/...he has so many issues........im so tired....

Been a long time..

So I've been MIA from blogging for a long time.  Since my last posts, I've since greatly diminished my contact with my ex-for-many- reasons. I found a man to build a life with. We share a culture, we've moved in together and we are working towards a lifetime together. It is reliving to have a plan when in a relationship. We have agreements and we work on things together. Yes, sometimes we have moments of tension but we always work through it. I have never been so committed to anything. I really am putting in my all. We have things to work on but I have faith.

Thanks Life

Over the last two days life has shown me that there are more important things than my ex-for-many-reasons.....I have to remind myself that. I don't want him I was just upset that he moved on so quickly and especially that he threw it in my face. I'm over it and I feel way better.
I guess in a way I missed the drama in my life..IDK why. I guess it made me feel like I HAD a life. I  honestly enjoy where my life is. I just want some romantic attention and the closest thing I had to that was an ex-for-many-reasons. I needed life to refocus my perspective and it did a great job. Hopefully it wont take such a traumatic event to do so.  I can't share publicly what it was but it better not ever happen again.

Thanks life

shit

i put so much of myself into him. he drained me of all my energy and all my love, wafer a while i had to close off and recuperate, talk to other people. now hes dating someone else and giving all his love to her but still treating me like shit. why do i accept his mess? why do i still want to accept it? why am i torturing myself with him? I had to delete him from my friends list cause i don't want to see his love rhymes that he used to say to me be regurgitated to her. i don't want to see him happy while im stuck with his shit he he keeps calling me to hang out but then when we do all he wants to do is talk about how hurt i am and how much he loves his new girl and call her in front of me and proclaim his love to her while im sitting there crying... who does that shit? he's so mean.

Hum Drum Love Bum

Life have been relatively good. I have nothing to complain about. Still enjoying my job. I love my job. It really brings light to my dark days.

A few days ago my Ex-For-Many-Reasons told me he was seeing someone new that is a "blessing" to his life and someone he may want to marry....I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me...what bothered me about it was:
       1. I am currently still single with not even one prospect.
       2. I spent MAD years with this guy and now he's perfect for some other chick
       3. I'm mad that he found someone before I could.

Does this prove that i'm not quite ready for a relationship if I had these immature thoughts...?

Maybe....

I'm not particularly in a rush for a relationship but I miss having someone hold me and tell me im beautiful. I miss someone listening to my thoughts and beliefs. I miss daydreaming about a significant other. I miss simply making out and staring into their eyes. I miss making love...

I've vowed to myself to be celibate till I'm in a positively committed relationship with promises of marriage. I'm only 4 months in and it seems like a lifetime. My body misses the OMG of it all...you know...that moment when it feels like that magic stick was made to make fireworks go off everywhere in your body...when you have to ask yourself how you were able to live with out it....I love and miss hearing a man succumb to my womanly ways, him wading in my river and drinking from my stream....

Sometimes I plan and scheme in my head of how I can get me some from an old FWB but I stop myself. He can't fulfill any of my other needs except good....AMAZING dick (it really is amazing)...I want more though.


*sigh*..........Patients really is a hard thing to have acquired....



Hum Drum love Bum   :(

Relevant Rambles...

Its like planting a seed in the tundra and expecting it to grow...the second I think I get rid of this guy, we find our way back in each others space and fighting for our way back out. Its so stupid. Even though I announced this not to long ago..he's officially out of my life. every time this happens I care less and less. I hold nothing against him but I'm ready to see what life without him is like. I finally have my career rolling, I've been successfully celibate for a few months now. I'm surprised I've stuck to it this long. I've had  this friend w/ benefits for...ever (since I became sexually active). We'd always hit each other up when we were single and have the BEST time. He's my vice. I've managed to actually spend time with him strictly as friends and No benefits without completely failing on my self love mission. I think about it, strongly lol but I still haven't messed up. If I can keep strong around him, I can do it with anyone.

I'm not ready for a relationship. I know I shouldn't have one till I have my feet more sturdy in my career. I haven't been so comfortable in my space in a really long time that it feels brand new. Its bee very chill lately. No real drama....I think I may actually crave for a little drama later on but I think it would be me just looking for some type of attention. I'll need to remind myself that the love and attention comes from me first in order for it to be true...if that makes sense...

I made love to myself today. It was kind of hard to achieve at first because I had the ex-for-many-reasons on my mind being that last night we got rid of each other...again. Once I got over that hurdle, which took a while, I had a great time. I made myself cry...weird. I didn't get that. IDK if it cause I haven't felt certain things the happy years with my ex (a good 5 years ago), or if my body was just releasing the mess from last night with him????....idk could be a little of both.

any who...these are my before bed rambles...

I'm beginning to be who I always wanted to be. Its hard work but I'm getting there. I feel my self love beginning to grow. I can almost say with all honesty say I love me and why. I could say that I love me now but I would have no reasons to aside from just because I'm suppose to...qualities that I've always wanted to see in myself bc my heart is naturally that way, I've been too lazy to display or too busy hating on someone else because they did it with ease...why do i fight myself on everything that i need?  I guess to say been there, done that, It sucked now do the right thing.

Cause for Celebration!!

The ex-for-many-reasons has finally decided to move on!

I love that man but I was tethered down to pleasing him and I wasn't strong enough to stop  on my own. He finally became man enough to do it for himself and now I can continue with myself for once.

Relief is so sweet.