So it hasn't been that long since I made vows to myself...This has got to be one of Gods Tests or a cruel joke...The Ex-for-many-reasons has been trying to wiggle his way back into my heart. One of my issues that I started this self-love journey for is that my heart has turned to ice where there are random moments of global heat-flashes and I melt into his smooth words and loving actions. The sunrise would wake me and the ice ages are upon me as if it never left. You could imagine the confusion if causes me and my Ex-for-many-reasons. We have been in communication the last few days over the preparation for my uncles funeral. He asked if we could work on our friendship to maybe one day work towards a relationship again. I feel like in some way he manipulated me into saying yes because he said that if we couldn't be friends, then he would basically never talk to me again because he "can't" be just my friend and that he could find a friend in any other person if he wanted...I know I could live my life without him and life would probably be more calm...I dont know what the hell is wrong with me. I really tried to stand strong in what I wanted to do but for some reason I always backslide with this guy. I hate myself for being this way with him. I want so bad to be free to be me and work on the parts that can be better and that need to be better.
Maybe somewhere inside I like the distraction..I like the attention I get from him (or maybe just the attention). If this is the case, then this is one of the biggest issues i want to address. I don't like the fact the I feel like i need someones attention. It always seems as though when I keep it real with myself and not pay attention to guys and focus solely on myself, then life gets better. So many opportunities come my way and I find a certain inner peace and a rhythm within that gets me to cruising so wonderfully throughout my life but after a short period of time, these distractions come and I can withstand for a little while but then I loose my focus and its diverted back to the man. I cant stand this!!!
The other night on the radio show on Why he married her and not you, we had a caller who stated that he didn't want a relationship where it comes easily. He wants to work for his love...I appreciate his viewpoint but honestly I'm so sick of working for love. I feel like if its the right person for you it should be the easiest thing in the world to do because your two separate states of being compliment each other so well. I'm so done with heart ache and failed attempts. Is love enough? from my experience with this Ex...I don't think so...Its way too hard and way too many differences between us (some that are huge such as spiritual beliefs)...why the hell am I trying to hold on? Should I try to make it work or let go?
I need help...
Channelle, great post as usual. You were great on the show and gave great advice.
ReplyDeleteThis guy saying that is one of the oldest tricks in the book. I am sure if you called his bluff at some point he would call you again. If you can live without him then make a clean break. Cut all contact with this ex before you get sucked back in and reminded why he is an ex.
channelle I know you have been going through this for a while and it it's sooooo much harder than saying ok I'm done. you know I understand. I remember once you gave me some excellent advice, you told me to write it down. write what I want write what I don't what and read it to myself. that along with a drastic change I was able to break free.. write it down LOVE. write down why it hurts to be with him, why it doesn't work and put it on the last door you go through in the morning, or in your purse.And change your phone number. De friend and block him. I think apart of the issue might be you worry about how will he be without u, but you have to truly believe that is not your problem and live your life for you. I know you know there is life beyond this.
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