There was a time in my life when i thought I was smart. I felt smart ad I felt like I could make a difference in this world. I lost all of my wits about me when It cam to me finding love. I always hear that you should let love find you....I guess I was being impatient. I wanted it the and now. I thought I did all the work that needed to be done on myself before I put myself out there but i guess i was wrong because my new relationship is still fucked up....he never seems happy and I know that i was never really fully happy. I was waiting for him to be what he said he was. I don't think he is honest with himself...I know I was honest with myself but i chose to ignore it and wound up pregnant by a man who I think doesn't want me. I feel like i gotta get out but at the same time i don't want this to fail if i'm wrong about what he thinks and feels. he;s so quite and doesn't share his feelings. i can cry and he wont bat an eye. If i want to talk he has nothing to say. if he is talking, hes telling me that i complain to much and he doesn't know if hes happy or not... that should answer my question right?? now that I'm pregnant, i don't want to  be a single mom or find a dad for my baby  or ...anything. I know that I would be a great mom but i don't want to have to do it on my own . I want my husbands support emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually...This is so my fault. we don;t match on any of these fronts. Emotionally he is unavailable, mentally- he doesn't even talk to me. I try to talk a little deep and he goes quiet Physically he is sexy to me. I love his body but when it comes to sex, its just sex. He has never made love to me. one time I told him what i needed and he gave it to me. it was good but it all came from his mind and not his heart. I felt the methodical-ness of it. spiritually, hes dead. knows what is expected of him and does the exact opposite....I know we don;t belong together anymore but for some reason i still sit here as i write wondering if he will show up and be slightly romantic or at least a little sensitive to my needs. hold me at least. I sometimes sit here and think of my ex...yup the same one from before and compare them. He at least knew what my heart and mind wanted. He learned my body and gave it what it needed even though he wasn't physically my type. he wasn't spiritually dead but we still weren't on the same wave length. I sometimes feel like i downgraded just to keep up with the world. i always felt like a late bloomer and i was always sick of being last for everything i thought to be important...I cant help but think that if i leave him my family and students would think of me as a failure bc i had a child out of wedlock and still ended up single and alone and worst yet broke bc of him. he always says that he will fix my finances and take care of me but i don't really believe him. he was broke when i met him and hes still broke. he has no real attainable goals,,well not really he has goals that are attainable hes just so fucking lazy that it will take him forever....i've been thinking of going back to get some reiki done. i need to heal and fix my life. I don't know whats gonna happen but i don;t want my son coming into this world with me being so poisonous. I thought about having an abortion then i felt him move..i cant do it....i want someone who will elevate with me not someone i need to bring to my level then see if we can grow some more..i just so tired. I want to leave it up to God. see if my man will talk to me and tell me he wants me or not or just sit in silence for weeks/...he has so many issues........im so tired....