Relevant Rambles...

Its like planting a seed in the tundra and expecting it to grow...the second I think I get rid of this guy, we find our way back in each others space and fighting for our way back out. Its so stupid. Even though I announced this not to long ago..he's officially out of my life. every time this happens I care less and less. I hold nothing against him but I'm ready to see what life without him is like. I finally have my career rolling, I've been successfully celibate for a few months now. I'm surprised I've stuck to it this long. I've had  this friend w/ benefits for...ever (since I became sexually active). We'd always hit each other up when we were single and have the BEST time. He's my vice. I've managed to actually spend time with him strictly as friends and No benefits without completely failing on my self love mission. I think about it, strongly lol but I still haven't messed up. If I can keep strong around him, I can do it with anyone.

I'm not ready for a relationship. I know I shouldn't have one till I have my feet more sturdy in my career. I haven't been so comfortable in my space in a really long time that it feels brand new. Its bee very chill lately. No real drama....I think I may actually crave for a little drama later on but I think it would be me just looking for some type of attention. I'll need to remind myself that the love and attention comes from me first in order for it to be true...if that makes sense...

I made love to myself today. It was kind of hard to achieve at first because I had the ex-for-many-reasons on my mind being that last night we got rid of each other...again. Once I got over that hurdle, which took a while, I had a great time. I made myself cry...weird. I didn't get that. IDK if it cause I haven't felt certain things the happy years with my ex (a good 5 years ago), or if my body was just releasing the mess from last night with him????....idk could be a little of both.

any who...these are my before bed rambles...

I'm beginning to be who I always wanted to be. Its hard work but I'm getting there. I feel my self love beginning to grow. I can almost say with all honesty say I love me and why. I could say that I love me now but I would have no reasons to aside from just because I'm suppose to...qualities that I've always wanted to see in myself bc my heart is naturally that way, I've been too lazy to display or too busy hating on someone else because they did it with ease...why do i fight myself on everything that i need?  I guess to say been there, done that, It sucked now do the right thing.

Cause for Celebration!!

The ex-for-many-reasons has finally decided to move on!

I love that man but I was tethered down to pleasing him and I wasn't strong enough to stop  on my own. He finally became man enough to do it for himself and now I can continue with myself for once.

Relief is so sweet.

Step two

I was once afraid to love
I was once afraid to love my self
I was once afraid to love myself because I didn't know how

I didn't know how because I didn't have a consistent love for God
I didn't know how because I couldn't even consistently love the man I was with
I didn't know how because I didn't think I deserved love due to the previously stated

my mind and my heart are not always on the same page
my mind and my heart are constantly in battle
my mind and my heart ignore the wishes of my soul, my spirit

Is it my choice to ignore myself?
why am I afraid to life in the complete truth?
Is it laziness? (inside I think it is. Im afraid to put in the hard work and end up failing...this is the core of all of my fears...my fear of not being good enough even for myself)

self worth is the difference/barrier between any definition of success and all definitions of failure.

I've started loving myself...its still a work in progress but my state of contentment is proof to myself that things a changing for me. I learning to accept my love and enjoy it.

My first step in my self love journey was to commit to celibacy and learn how to love on myself, for myself. Step one has been achieved and only needs to be maintained.

I need to stop accepting mediocrity from myself...my next step has been identified and will be put into motion.

Love the space I'm in

Its been a while since I wrote to myself. For once, its not because I put a significant other before me. I've actually been loving my self and doing what needs to be done for my life. I'm very content for once. I'm happy where I am and with the progress I've made. I won't be in this position forever( meaning my state of content is only temporary...I have goals and dreams to fulfill)  but I'm just enjoying it. I love my job, I love my students and I love that I love these things.