Thanks Life

Over the last two days life has shown me that there are more important things than my ex-for-many-reasons.....I have to remind myself that. I don't want him I was just upset that he moved on so quickly and especially that he threw it in my face. I'm over it and I feel way better.
I guess in a way I missed the drama in my life..IDK why. I guess it made me feel like I HAD a life. I  honestly enjoy where my life is. I just want some romantic attention and the closest thing I had to that was an ex-for-many-reasons. I needed life to refocus my perspective and it did a great job. Hopefully it wont take such a traumatic event to do so.  I can't share publicly what it was but it better not ever happen again.

Thanks life

shit

i put so much of myself into him. he drained me of all my energy and all my love, wafer a while i had to close off and recuperate, talk to other people. now hes dating someone else and giving all his love to her but still treating me like shit. why do i accept his mess? why do i still want to accept it? why am i torturing myself with him? I had to delete him from my friends list cause i don't want to see his love rhymes that he used to say to me be regurgitated to her. i don't want to see him happy while im stuck with his shit he he keeps calling me to hang out but then when we do all he wants to do is talk about how hurt i am and how much he loves his new girl and call her in front of me and proclaim his love to her while im sitting there crying... who does that shit? he's so mean.

Hum Drum Love Bum

Life have been relatively good. I have nothing to complain about. Still enjoying my job. I love my job. It really brings light to my dark days.

A few days ago my Ex-For-Many-Reasons told me he was seeing someone new that is a "blessing" to his life and someone he may want to marry....I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me...what bothered me about it was:
       1. I am currently still single with not even one prospect.
       2. I spent MAD years with this guy and now he's perfect for some other chick
       3. I'm mad that he found someone before I could.

Does this prove that i'm not quite ready for a relationship if I had these immature thoughts...?

Maybe....

I'm not particularly in a rush for a relationship but I miss having someone hold me and tell me im beautiful. I miss someone listening to my thoughts and beliefs. I miss daydreaming about a significant other. I miss simply making out and staring into their eyes. I miss making love...

I've vowed to myself to be celibate till I'm in a positively committed relationship with promises of marriage. I'm only 4 months in and it seems like a lifetime. My body misses the OMG of it all...you know...that moment when it feels like that magic stick was made to make fireworks go off everywhere in your body...when you have to ask yourself how you were able to live with out it....I love and miss hearing a man succumb to my womanly ways, him wading in my river and drinking from my stream....

Sometimes I plan and scheme in my head of how I can get me some from an old FWB but I stop myself. He can't fulfill any of my other needs except good....AMAZING dick (it really is amazing)...I want more though.


*sigh*..........Patients really is a hard thing to have acquired....



Hum Drum love Bum   :(

Relevant Rambles...

Its like planting a seed in the tundra and expecting it to grow...the second I think I get rid of this guy, we find our way back in each others space and fighting for our way back out. Its so stupid. Even though I announced this not to long ago..he's officially out of my life. every time this happens I care less and less. I hold nothing against him but I'm ready to see what life without him is like. I finally have my career rolling, I've been successfully celibate for a few months now. I'm surprised I've stuck to it this long. I've had  this friend w/ benefits for...ever (since I became sexually active). We'd always hit each other up when we were single and have the BEST time. He's my vice. I've managed to actually spend time with him strictly as friends and No benefits without completely failing on my self love mission. I think about it, strongly lol but I still haven't messed up. If I can keep strong around him, I can do it with anyone.

I'm not ready for a relationship. I know I shouldn't have one till I have my feet more sturdy in my career. I haven't been so comfortable in my space in a really long time that it feels brand new. Its bee very chill lately. No real drama....I think I may actually crave for a little drama later on but I think it would be me just looking for some type of attention. I'll need to remind myself that the love and attention comes from me first in order for it to be true...if that makes sense...

I made love to myself today. It was kind of hard to achieve at first because I had the ex-for-many-reasons on my mind being that last night we got rid of each other...again. Once I got over that hurdle, which took a while, I had a great time. I made myself cry...weird. I didn't get that. IDK if it cause I haven't felt certain things the happy years with my ex (a good 5 years ago), or if my body was just releasing the mess from last night with him????....idk could be a little of both.

any who...these are my before bed rambles...

I'm beginning to be who I always wanted to be. Its hard work but I'm getting there. I feel my self love beginning to grow. I can almost say with all honesty say I love me and why. I could say that I love me now but I would have no reasons to aside from just because I'm suppose to...qualities that I've always wanted to see in myself bc my heart is naturally that way, I've been too lazy to display or too busy hating on someone else because they did it with ease...why do i fight myself on everything that i need?  I guess to say been there, done that, It sucked now do the right thing.

Cause for Celebration!!

The ex-for-many-reasons has finally decided to move on!

I love that man but I was tethered down to pleasing him and I wasn't strong enough to stop  on my own. He finally became man enough to do it for himself and now I can continue with myself for once.

Relief is so sweet.

Step two

I was once afraid to love
I was once afraid to love my self
I was once afraid to love myself because I didn't know how

I didn't know how because I didn't have a consistent love for God
I didn't know how because I couldn't even consistently love the man I was with
I didn't know how because I didn't think I deserved love due to the previously stated

my mind and my heart are not always on the same page
my mind and my heart are constantly in battle
my mind and my heart ignore the wishes of my soul, my spirit

Is it my choice to ignore myself?
why am I afraid to life in the complete truth?
Is it laziness? (inside I think it is. Im afraid to put in the hard work and end up failing...this is the core of all of my fears...my fear of not being good enough even for myself)

self worth is the difference/barrier between any definition of success and all definitions of failure.

I've started loving myself...its still a work in progress but my state of contentment is proof to myself that things a changing for me. I learning to accept my love and enjoy it.

My first step in my self love journey was to commit to celibacy and learn how to love on myself, for myself. Step one has been achieved and only needs to be maintained.

I need to stop accepting mediocrity from myself...my next step has been identified and will be put into motion.

Love the space I'm in

Its been a while since I wrote to myself. For once, its not because I put a significant other before me. I've actually been loving my self and doing what needs to be done for my life. I'm very content for once. I'm happy where I am and with the progress I've made. I won't be in this position forever( meaning my state of content is only temporary...I have goals and dreams to fulfill)  but I'm just enjoying it. I love my job, I love my students and I love that I love these things.

Distractions: The Ex-for-many-reasons...

So it hasn't been that long since I made vows to myself...This has got to be one of Gods Tests or a cruel joke...The Ex-for-many-reasons has been trying to wiggle his way back into my heart. One of my issues that I started this self-love journey for is that my heart has turned to ice where there are random moments of global heat-flashes and I melt into his smooth words and loving actions. The sunrise would wake me and the ice ages are upon me as if it never left. You could imagine the confusion if causes me and my Ex-for-many-reasons. We have been in communication the last few days over the preparation for my uncles funeral. He asked if we could work on our friendship to maybe one day work towards a relationship again. I feel like in some way he manipulated me into saying yes because he said that if we couldn't be friends, then he would basically never talk to me again because he "can't" be just my friend and that he could find a friend in any other person if he wanted...I know I could live my life without him and life would probably be more calm...I dont know what the hell is wrong with me. I really tried to stand strong in what I wanted to do but for some reason I always backslide with this guy. I hate myself for being this way with him. I want so bad to be free to be me and work on the parts that can be better and that need to be better.

Maybe somewhere inside I like the distraction..I like the attention I get from him (or maybe just the attention). If this is the case, then this is one of the biggest issues i want to address. I don't like the fact the I feel like i need someones attention. It always seems as though when I keep it real with myself and not pay attention to guys and focus solely on myself, then life gets better. So many opportunities come my way and I find a certain inner peace and a rhythm within that gets me to cruising so wonderfully throughout my life but after a short period of time, these distractions come and I can withstand for a little while but then I loose my focus and its diverted back to the man. I cant stand this!!!

The other night on the radio show on Why he married her and not you, we had a caller who stated that he didn't want a relationship where it comes easily. He wants to work for his love...I appreciate his viewpoint but honestly I'm so sick of working for love. I feel like if its the right person for you it should be the easiest thing in the world to do because your two separate states of being compliment each other so well. I'm so done with heart ache and failed attempts. Is love enough? from my experience with this Ex...I don't think so...Its way too hard and way too many differences between us (some that are huge such as spiritual beliefs)...why the hell am I trying to hold on? Should I try to make it work or let go?

I need help...

Getrdone!!!!

On the radio show tonight we spoke about women taking control over their relationships... should or shouldn't you stay together, is he a waste of your time,  what is your purpose in being in that relationship... to me, those are the easy questions.  The hard part is sticking to my guns. I'm always trying to please others because they think they know what's best for them and i want to help them realize that but it's at my expense. I know i don't want to be with him or the other guy but i keep playing these games within myself. I honestly just want to be me for a while. .. no men issues, just me, myself and i. I hold onto these guys and they hold onto me but where are we Actually goin in life?  Obviously no where together. .I don't know why i have to keep learning the same lessons over and over again in life. .I hope i get it right this time so i can move on to the next level. By the end of my life i want to know that i did all the soul work i need to. Do i really want to be reincarnated to fix what i could have this time? No. Lol lets get it done!!!

compassion

The unexpected...

A part of my self love journey, aside from the emotional love towards myself and my Lord Creator, is replacing sex with people who can't give me what I need in a relationship whether it be emotional, mental or spiritual, I've decided to try making love to myself. Now, over the last...7 months I've had sex a few times and they were all physically unsatisfying...minus one or two occasions. But even then it was a process. I have so many barriers up emotionally and I wait till someone beats the doors open with their dick...it only works after at least 30 min but most people can't wait that long for me to open up enough for good sex...why am i so messed up? These are the issues I want to address so I can have freedom from myself and actually be where I need to be to find my King and let God/ The Universe/ The Creator provide him to me.

I bought myself a toy to assist in my practice of self love. I have never been one to masturbate because I absolutely love the interaction between two people..I'd prefer bad sex over masturbation. Being that this is about me, myself and I, I have to get over that. I have to change my perspective on certain things in order to grow. That being said, I used my toy...What happened was soooo Unexpected.

Not only did I have an orgasm for the first time in months but I cried... Now, I know I still have a lot of work to do because I had no emotional connection to myself. I was just going through the motions. Yes, there was progress but its a long road ahead. I cried I think because of the song that came on my Pandora playlist. No Ordinary Love by Sade. This has always been one of my favorite songs but it seemed to be speaking to me while I was trying to love on myself.

She spoke of giving all of her love to someone, while they just keep on taking and naysayers speaking against her relationship. This is no ordinary love. She kept trying, crying, flying for this love. She fell deep in love for/ with this person. I connected so much with this in the moment. I spent 6 years of my life in an on again off again relationship that every time we fell off, my love dwindled a little. I'm to the point where I feel like I've climbed out of that deep ditch of love. I want more for myself. I should not have to settle... I believe that when I start living my life completely according to my truth and I'm in alignment with The Power/ My Lord Creator/ The Universe, everything will come together for me.

Journey of Self Love

I've come to realize over the years that I don't love myself as I should. I'm always seeking for others to love me and give approval. Knowing all that I know, one would think that I have learned to accept myself and love myself.

A few weeks ago, I decided to begin this journey of putting love into myself instead of giving it to others who don't deserve it, appreciate it or want it. I harbor so much negative energy especially in my womb because of all the love I've given and negative beliefs I have about sex. Most of the time, I've tried to give love to receive it back through sex and now I feel the emptiness. I feel the void, the pain, the lack of love.

What hurts most is knowing that I am the cause of all of this pain and negativity in my womb and my heart. I've allowed others to use me, confuse me, abuse me. I've made excuses for them and especially for myself. I refuse to do that any longer. I need to take care of me. I need to love me. I'm suffering so much.

I've given pieces of myself to enough people. I know that I will never reach 10 mates because my next mate will have to be my King I've talked about it here: http://callingtyrone.blogspot.com/2013/07/pieces-of-me.html. Unfortunately, I've experienced the random in some shape or fashion as well as the Cuddy-buddy. at one point in my past, I thought I had my trinity but I've come to realize that I tricked myself into believing that this person had everything that I wanted and needed. He had few qualities of my King and more qualities of my captor.

I've vowed to myself that the next person I'm with will be my King, my husband, my man. I've vowed to start repairing the wounds I've inflicted on my heart, mind and womb. If I am blessed to be able to have children one day, I will want to bring them through a healthy vessel and into a positive environment. It all starts with me.

I am now a celibate woman meaning that I will abstain from sex until my King and I unite. I will love on myself in a positive and affirming way in order to counter the negativity I've endured for the past 6 years of my life. At the moment I don't feel like I deserve this (but I know I do..Everyone does) but my womb does, my children do, my king does. At the end of my journey, I will feel like it was all worth it.

If I Could Feel...

What would I doIf I could suddenly feel
And to know once againThat what I feel is real?
I could cry, I could smileI might lay back for a whileOh, tell me what,What would I do if I could feel?
What would I doIf I could reach inside of meAnd to know how it feelsTo say I like what I see?

Then I'd be more than glad to shareAll that I have inside of here
And the songs my heart might bringYou'd be more than glad to sing
And if tears should fall from my eyesJust think of all the wounds they could mend
And just think of all the time, I could spendJust being vulnerable again
Oh, tell me what, what would I do?Oh, tell me what, what would I do?Oh, tell me what, what would I doIf I could feel?
...........................................

Most of the time I feel as if my heart is on lock...Moments when most would cry or scream or curse someone to smithereens, what do I do, if anything? My heart feels like its made a fist and a golf ball gets stuck in my throat, then I shrug it off. My mind tells me I should feel more than I do....