Distractions: The Ex-for-many-reasons...

So it hasn't been that long since I made vows to myself...This has got to be one of Gods Tests or a cruel joke...The Ex-for-many-reasons has been trying to wiggle his way back into my heart. One of my issues that I started this self-love journey for is that my heart has turned to ice where there are random moments of global heat-flashes and I melt into his smooth words and loving actions. The sunrise would wake me and the ice ages are upon me as if it never left. You could imagine the confusion if causes me and my Ex-for-many-reasons. We have been in communication the last few days over the preparation for my uncles funeral. He asked if we could work on our friendship to maybe one day work towards a relationship again. I feel like in some way he manipulated me into saying yes because he said that if we couldn't be friends, then he would basically never talk to me again because he "can't" be just my friend and that he could find a friend in any other person if he wanted...I know I could live my life without him and life would probably be more calm...I dont know what the hell is wrong with me. I really tried to stand strong in what I wanted to do but for some reason I always backslide with this guy. I hate myself for being this way with him. I want so bad to be free to be me and work on the parts that can be better and that need to be better.

Maybe somewhere inside I like the distraction..I like the attention I get from him (or maybe just the attention). If this is the case, then this is one of the biggest issues i want to address. I don't like the fact the I feel like i need someones attention. It always seems as though when I keep it real with myself and not pay attention to guys and focus solely on myself, then life gets better. So many opportunities come my way and I find a certain inner peace and a rhythm within that gets me to cruising so wonderfully throughout my life but after a short period of time, these distractions come and I can withstand for a little while but then I loose my focus and its diverted back to the man. I cant stand this!!!

The other night on the radio show on Why he married her and not you, we had a caller who stated that he didn't want a relationship where it comes easily. He wants to work for his love...I appreciate his viewpoint but honestly I'm so sick of working for love. I feel like if its the right person for you it should be the easiest thing in the world to do because your two separate states of being compliment each other so well. I'm so done with heart ache and failed attempts. Is love enough? from my experience with this Ex...I don't think so...Its way too hard and way too many differences between us (some that are huge such as spiritual beliefs)...why the hell am I trying to hold on? Should I try to make it work or let go?

I need help...

Getrdone!!!!

On the radio show tonight we spoke about women taking control over their relationships... should or shouldn't you stay together, is he a waste of your time,  what is your purpose in being in that relationship... to me, those are the easy questions.  The hard part is sticking to my guns. I'm always trying to please others because they think they know what's best for them and i want to help them realize that but it's at my expense. I know i don't want to be with him or the other guy but i keep playing these games within myself. I honestly just want to be me for a while. .. no men issues, just me, myself and i. I hold onto these guys and they hold onto me but where are we Actually goin in life?  Obviously no where together. .I don't know why i have to keep learning the same lessons over and over again in life. .I hope i get it right this time so i can move on to the next level. By the end of my life i want to know that i did all the soul work i need to. Do i really want to be reincarnated to fix what i could have this time? No. Lol lets get it done!!!

compassion

The unexpected...

A part of my self love journey, aside from the emotional love towards myself and my Lord Creator, is replacing sex with people who can't give me what I need in a relationship whether it be emotional, mental or spiritual, I've decided to try making love to myself. Now, over the last...7 months I've had sex a few times and they were all physically unsatisfying...minus one or two occasions. But even then it was a process. I have so many barriers up emotionally and I wait till someone beats the doors open with their dick...it only works after at least 30 min but most people can't wait that long for me to open up enough for good sex...why am i so messed up? These are the issues I want to address so I can have freedom from myself and actually be where I need to be to find my King and let God/ The Universe/ The Creator provide him to me.

I bought myself a toy to assist in my practice of self love. I have never been one to masturbate because I absolutely love the interaction between two people..I'd prefer bad sex over masturbation. Being that this is about me, myself and I, I have to get over that. I have to change my perspective on certain things in order to grow. That being said, I used my toy...What happened was soooo Unexpected.

Not only did I have an orgasm for the first time in months but I cried... Now, I know I still have a lot of work to do because I had no emotional connection to myself. I was just going through the motions. Yes, there was progress but its a long road ahead. I cried I think because of the song that came on my Pandora playlist. No Ordinary Love by Sade. This has always been one of my favorite songs but it seemed to be speaking to me while I was trying to love on myself.

She spoke of giving all of her love to someone, while they just keep on taking and naysayers speaking against her relationship. This is no ordinary love. She kept trying, crying, flying for this love. She fell deep in love for/ with this person. I connected so much with this in the moment. I spent 6 years of my life in an on again off again relationship that every time we fell off, my love dwindled a little. I'm to the point where I feel like I've climbed out of that deep ditch of love. I want more for myself. I should not have to settle... I believe that when I start living my life completely according to my truth and I'm in alignment with The Power/ My Lord Creator/ The Universe, everything will come together for me.

Journey of Self Love

I've come to realize over the years that I don't love myself as I should. I'm always seeking for others to love me and give approval. Knowing all that I know, one would think that I have learned to accept myself and love myself.

A few weeks ago, I decided to begin this journey of putting love into myself instead of giving it to others who don't deserve it, appreciate it or want it. I harbor so much negative energy especially in my womb because of all the love I've given and negative beliefs I have about sex. Most of the time, I've tried to give love to receive it back through sex and now I feel the emptiness. I feel the void, the pain, the lack of love.

What hurts most is knowing that I am the cause of all of this pain and negativity in my womb and my heart. I've allowed others to use me, confuse me, abuse me. I've made excuses for them and especially for myself. I refuse to do that any longer. I need to take care of me. I need to love me. I'm suffering so much.

I've given pieces of myself to enough people. I know that I will never reach 10 mates because my next mate will have to be my King I've talked about it here: http://callingtyrone.blogspot.com/2013/07/pieces-of-me.html. Unfortunately, I've experienced the random in some shape or fashion as well as the Cuddy-buddy. at one point in my past, I thought I had my trinity but I've come to realize that I tricked myself into believing that this person had everything that I wanted and needed. He had few qualities of my King and more qualities of my captor.

I've vowed to myself that the next person I'm with will be my King, my husband, my man. I've vowed to start repairing the wounds I've inflicted on my heart, mind and womb. If I am blessed to be able to have children one day, I will want to bring them through a healthy vessel and into a positive environment. It all starts with me.

I am now a celibate woman meaning that I will abstain from sex until my King and I unite. I will love on myself in a positive and affirming way in order to counter the negativity I've endured for the past 6 years of my life. At the moment I don't feel like I deserve this (but I know I do..Everyone does) but my womb does, my children do, my king does. At the end of my journey, I will feel like it was all worth it.

If I Could Feel...

What would I doIf I could suddenly feel
And to know once againThat what I feel is real?
I could cry, I could smileI might lay back for a whileOh, tell me what,What would I do if I could feel?
What would I doIf I could reach inside of meAnd to know how it feelsTo say I like what I see?

Then I'd be more than glad to shareAll that I have inside of here
And the songs my heart might bringYou'd be more than glad to sing
And if tears should fall from my eyesJust think of all the wounds they could mend
And just think of all the time, I could spendJust being vulnerable again
Oh, tell me what, what would I do?Oh, tell me what, what would I do?Oh, tell me what, what would I doIf I could feel?
...........................................

Most of the time I feel as if my heart is on lock...Moments when most would cry or scream or curse someone to smithereens, what do I do, if anything? My heart feels like its made a fist and a golf ball gets stuck in my throat, then I shrug it off. My mind tells me I should feel more than I do....