Its like planting a seed in the tundra and expecting it to grow...the second I think I get rid of this guy, we find our way back in each others space and fighting for our way back out. Its so stupid. Even though I announced this not to long ago..he's officially out of my life. every time this happens I care less and less. I hold nothing against him but I'm ready to see what life without him is like. I finally have my career rolling, I've been successfully celibate for a few months now. I'm surprised I've stuck to it this long. I've had this friend w/ benefits for...ever (since I became sexually active). We'd always hit each other up when we were single and have the BEST time. He's my vice. I've managed to actually spend time with him strictly as friends and No benefits without completely failing on my self love mission. I think about it, strongly lol but I still haven't messed up. If I can keep strong around him, I can do it with anyone.
I'm not ready for a relationship. I know I shouldn't have one till I have my feet more sturdy in my career. I haven't been so comfortable in my space in a really long time that it feels brand new. Its bee very chill lately. No real drama....I think I may actually crave for a little drama later on but I think it would be me just looking for some type of attention. I'll need to remind myself that the love and attention comes from me first in order for it to be true...if that makes sense...
I made love to myself today. It was kind of hard to achieve at first because I had the ex-for-many-reasons on my mind being that last night we got rid of each other...again. Once I got over that hurdle, which took a while, I had a great time. I made myself cry...weird. I didn't get that. IDK if it cause I haven't felt certain things the happy years with my ex (a good 5 years ago), or if my body was just releasing the mess from last night with him????....idk could be a little of both.
any who...these are my before bed rambles...
I'm beginning to be who I always wanted to be. Its hard work but I'm getting there. I feel my self love beginning to grow. I can almost say with all honesty say I love me and why. I could say that I love me now but I would have no reasons to aside from just because I'm suppose to...qualities that I've always wanted to see in myself bc my heart is naturally that way, I've been too lazy to display or too busy hating on someone else because they did it with ease...why do i fight myself on everything that i need? I guess to say been there, done that, It sucked now do the right thing.
It's good that you are able to be around your friend with benefits and not have the benefits. But I think this could lead to problems later on, you are setting yourself up by purposely being around your temptation, while trying to withstand the temptation. I hope it all works out for you and I am happy that you are starting to love yourself.
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